A promise to myself,

A promise to slow down. 

A promise to step away from my office desk.

A promise to document.

Have I really become too busy to slow down and take some pictures? In this speedy world using camera phones and uploading to mobile albums has become the norm. A norm I thought I would never fall into. But here I am, I haven't used my camera once in 2012, and even worse, the pictures that I have been "tagged" in are bar shots from karaoke. Yuck! Something's gotta give. I have a lot coming up here in the next few months, and I look forward to retiring the camera app on my phone, and busting out my camera once again. Thankfully, there is no better time to start than in Spring.


Spring in general is a time of beauty in Oregon. A season of trails and climbs galore. Smith Rock here I come. I am sick of this gym climbing that winter has forced us all to settle for. Let's retire the rain and get back out to the desert.

Smith Rock, Ore.

Looking at my calendar on the office wall, I am eager to flip to the months ahead. My calendar acts as a visual reminder of motivation. Colorful sharpie writing, highlighted weeks and dates (and a lot of exclamation points)--all showcasing my trips and plans. In March, I see "MISSOULA!", which symbolizes my trip to Montana at the end of the month where I will volunteer my time at a local homeless shelter. April's explosion of highlighter and sharpie screams long weekends to Smith Rock and planned backpacking trips, etc.


From there, summer is present. A season of road trips, celebrations, and adventures- all planned around the constant theme of: get your ass out of that office, and go be outside.

There is no better time to promise myself to point and shoot, be trigger happy, retire the mobile uploads, and capture the beauty.

It's Time

 The days are getting longer out there, aren't they?

Trails and trees are calling you.

Whispering kind welcomes.

Begging for your return.

You have rebuilt your home, now it is time to rebuild your soul.

Wake up soul, beauty is here.

The rain is ready to wash everything away.

The sand is ready to cleanse your hands.

The mud is ready to catch your heavy footsteps.

The mountain is ready to give you power.

It is time again.

Remember the beauty of weekend escapes.

Live for escape.

I Love, Love.

Love will get you. That's for damn sure. Love is electric.

I am not sure where to take this post. I just need to write. I just need to evolve, love. Even those two words are dangerously associated with one another.

As I was reading a fellow bloggers latest post, he questioned if we are anything but love. He wrote about the yearning for love, and how as beings, we all yearn for love. Society has rocketed forward, and yet human beings have never stopped yearning for love. He finished by saying that "love is the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share. Without love, what are we?"

Immediately, I read that and my automatic response was a typical Melissa answer of : "WE ARE INDEPENDENT DAMMIT!" But my own answer made me blush, showing me that in fact I was on the defense. I currently don't have a partner with whom I get to share my love with, so therefore I use my independence as a veil, a curtain to show all those in love that "I've got this" attitude. But of course I want love. I want to share my love, and I want someone to share their love with me. (I realized after this past non-relationship/relationship that the second part of that equation is huge).


I think about finding a man who is well read and intellectual. Employed as well as passionate about his work. An outdoor enthusiast who I can share with, and learn from. Someone who is direct without being cruel. A man who tolerates my love for sports. A man who will travel with me, and a man to explore new cultures with.



 I have been in love before. I do not believe that you can only love one person. I believe that you can love, and people can grow, sometimes not together though (That is when it kills you) I was thinking back to how many times I have "been in love". In my 24 years, I have truly loved 3 men. Only two of whom I actually said it to. But, while reading the book Wanderlust I came across this paragraph:

This is quite the paradox, is it not? I wouldn't say that I am as negative as the author in the belief that it is not possible to hold onto love, but I did like that love is described as a series of moments. This is how I can explain my belief that love does not always have to last forever. NOW with that said, I do though believe that love can last forever, and that these series of moments can lead a couple closer together and strengthen their love, absolutely. This is what we all strive for, and this is what I have yet to find. But the main point that I am trying to make is that love, is fluid. Love changes as you change. This is why out of the 3 men I have loved, it did not last. We grew up, and did not grow together. This does not mean loved them less, it just meant that our moment passed.

I envy those in love. I have friends who have children, trying for children, and planning for children. I have friends planning weddings, and planning anniversaries. I have friends who are like me, just trying to figure everything out, coincidentally they too for the most part are trying to find love. I would be a liar to say that I am not envious of those in love.

Though the more I really broke this envy down, I realized that this is only one type of love. In fact, I am so on the defense about relationships and not being love, that I am missing out on love itself.

If love is the "the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share", then I do love. Love is beyond a man, or a partner. It is about the electricity you feel. When you share your love with someone, take the time to educate others on your passions, and give them the opportunity to experience something new, something....magnificent.

 
I possess a love for the outdoors. I love the energy of being outside, and getting mud on my shoes and on my hands. This energy is two fold though; outward and inward. I love taking people outdoors with me, I love sharing my excitement for the trails with others, and I love nothing more than when people share their excitement with me. Though I also possess a love for the outdoors that is solely intrinsic as well. The reward when you hit the trails, fill your lungs, and clear your mind. It is the ultimate opportunity to re-center and strengthen. This excitement goes beyond the trails too; it goes with me to the lake, when I get  behind my boat to ski; it goes onto the rocks when I climb ; it goes onto the snow when I ski. This love, goes with me everywhere. This love for the outdoors is an endless supply.


I give love to the non-profits I support, the trails that I walk, and to the friends that I curl up with at the end of the day. Just because I am not giving my love to a partner right now, doesn't mean that I am not giving love. My life would be empty if I didn't distribute my love. I really believe that I couldn't make it in life, and truly be happy if I didn't love outwardly, constantly.

I share love daily with others.  I share articles with friends, mainly of others who I find inspirational and who I think may inspire the person I am sending it to as well. For example, I just sent my friend Lisa this article, and my friend Sara this one. I share advice, and I share stories. I share heartache and I share elation. I share time, and I share resources. I share cups of tea and I share ideas. This is all part of sharing love with another.

What I am able to now see is that even though I don't have a partner, I still have love in my life. A lot of it. I have wonderful friends who I get to welcome into my home, and who welcome me into theirs. I have a network full of laughter, tears, crazy stories, and adventures. It is time to lose the veil of defense that I hide behind, and remember that I am still in love, even if I am not in love with someone. And actually, this has helped me enough to realize that I don't need to have someone in my life romantically in order to feel loved, or feel complete. This is not a desperation hunt, this is a journey and I absolutely look forward to meeting that someone, someday--but in the mean time, cheers.

Happy Monday

 

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke: Letters to a Young Poet

Chin Up, Kid

Inspiration is everywhere. I think for a long time there, I didn't see it. I suppose this is the beautiful part of the recovery process-reawakening only to see the beauty in everything around you. Not to sound too much like a person in flower fields, skipping and giggling like the damn Sound of Music--but I have just been getting higher lately.

Jared is still under my roof. Apparently we were not on the same page after he got home from his latest trip. I was under the impression that he would be leaving in January ....Then it became a grace period until February so that he could reapply for food stamps....Now.....We wait. I told him how much having him live here impacts me. My friends refuse to come over anymore, and I miss them daily. I have left town every single weekend for my parents. I work later, and go to bed earlier.

But here is the cool thing: I am back on top.

::Going home every weekend has opened me up to new friendships and new experiences. It has also given me more time to reconnect with old friends. The other day I was able to grab lunch with Ad, who's new energy level and appreciation for opportunity left me eager to meditate and appreciate all I have, despite the shit back on Whitesell Ave. Being home, I have been able to spend more time with my friends from high school and see their children more often. To watch your friends children grow is something one should never miss. It's remarkable.

::I have finally found peace in my job. I no longer wake up feeling like I need to get out as fast as I can. I am looking at staying with Western for a few more years (yes, I said  years-weird I know.) and really make a name for myself here. I always felt like I was supposed to be leaving and traveling onto the next thing like many of my friends did out of college, but now I want to stay and really focus on building on the Western culture, as well as build a decent savings account.

::I am reading more. I don't think I realized just how much I missed it. Bouncing between The Four Desires,  Wanderlust: A Love Affair with Five Continents, and Lost in the Jungle I am able to daydream, all while strengthening my sense of balance.

::I have my game back. I have gone on dates. It's kind of cool.

I am optimistic. Very optimistic. I can finally recognize the mind games and the guilt trips, and not give in. I no longer get pushed over. On the flip side I know that many of my friends still see the fact that he is living in my home a pretty big case of me being a push over, but what I am more concerned about is my mental health. And for the first time in a long time, I really find myself happy, and excited for other people. I am engaged with others again.

Day in and day out I continue to laugh instead of get angry. I read articles online of other peoples accomplishments and I become so proud of them and their obstacles( like this guy!).  I find motivation through others, and I look forward to becoming strong enough again to hopefully motivate some other sad sap.

People are resilient. I am resilient.

The other day I came across this article and it moved me to tears. It might have been because I was exhausted with a glass of wine in my hand in my pj's--but regardless, it spoke to me....and I feel another tattoo coming on.

Long post, short- We rebuild. We recycle our energy. We recycle our love. We ride crocodiles.