Friday, July 30, 2010

Think Positive

It is so easy for one to focus on their daily negative vibes. But why waste the energy? And don't pretend that they aren't exhausting. Therefore, I devote this post to be solely about my positives.

I am a college graduate.
I am a kitty mom.
I have traveled. Prague, Greece, Germany, Belize, Mexico, France, Canada. With an oppotunity to go to Brazil and Indonesia.
Hell, I lived in Europe for 3 months.
I give to 4 non-profits monthly.
I am an legal advocate at a domestic violence shelter.
I have a job that I love.
I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a lover.
I have an outstanding support network.
I love college football. It has been the best bonding experience for my father and I.
I have experienced love, and I have survived heartbreak.
I have a home, with hot water, and proper plumbing, and a roof to keep me dry.
I am healthy. I am blessed to be in an active relationship where hiking and exploring is our passion.
I am an active community member.
I believe in non-profits, and wild ideas. Some times I wish society would encompass their ideas with the same enthusiasm as I do.

So why focus on the negatives, when as individuals we all have such a presence of inner power? We all have accomplishments. Even if its dragging yourself out of bed with out hitting the snooze button, or parking your car further away, forcing yourself to walk a little bit further. So many people struggle to find their daily positives, and dwell in the "what-if's" and the "why's". And I am not immune by any means. We all have our days, but the trick is to remember the positives, because they are your fuel to keep dancin' along.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Title Me Twisted

Titles. Boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, partner, lover, "friend", mate, etc. Why the title?

My frustration over titles began to arise as more and more of my friends began to get married, or get pregnant. Titles unfortunately alter friendships. I have an two old friends who were my support system, roommates, and best friends. One of the girls has been in a committed relationship for four years, and now proudly wears an engagement ring. The other has been with her beau for three-ish years and now lives with him. Both couples have puppies, both plan weddings, both couples have bbq's while the girls catch up and the boys drink beer. So why am I now left out? I have been committed in my dysfunctional, yet perfect relationship for the past year and a half, I have a kitty--who is like my child, I live with three boys (one being my boyfriend), a full time job, and a knack for non-profits. I love my life right now, I couldn't imagine changing anything. Yet, for some reason, the "three musketeers" have singled one man out. Me. I have lost numerous nights of sleep over this debacle questioning everything thing about our friendship. It was my boyfriend who helped me draw the conclusion that the diving force between me and my two friends were titles.

With that said, he managed to make me recognize that they are on an entirely different playing field than I am. We no longer share multiple titles. When I first met the girls, I was dating my high-school sweetheart who left for the military, and in my freshman year of college I saw myself someday marrying this man. We were all committed. Sure enough military man and I broke up, and I went on a "date whoever, find yourself" voyage, which only ended in a lot of sex and a lot of heartbreak. I guess it was then that the ties started to unravel, but we remained friends throughout the years, and became roommates who laughed together, cried together, and experienced together. We had the title of best friends in my opinion. Titles.

Nevertheless, one has the title of fiancee, and the other is soon to gain the title as well. They will be introduced at events and "My wife". What comes next? The pregnancies. They will now gain the titles of "Mother". I am no where near this stage in my life. I don't want to be anywhere near this stage of my life. I am way too young. I have so much more I want to do before marriage and babies. My boyfriend is right, they are gaining titles at a rate that I can not match. The two will rise through the ranks of life, marriage, and motherhood together. Maybe someday I will catch up, but I will never experience it with them, as they will together.

Titles alter everything this is true in every relationship. It can be seen on the most basic level in an workplace, when a manager gets promoted to a director. It happens all the time when best friends shed their title and transform into boy/girl friends. People recognize that titles change everything. My boyfriend and I had been friends at least two years before we let our minds actually begin to contemplate dating. When we agreed that we had killer chemistry, we kept the matter very quiet. We didn't change out facebook statuses until nearly a year into dating. We recognized that titles were insignificant to our feelings and love for one another, but yet very "loud" in society.

This rant about titles is a mix of my beliefs that society gets worked up/praises stupid shit like titles, but I know in my heart that there is a small fraction of jealousy over the fact that I am losing friends because I can not keep up with their ever expanding titles.

Whenever I go on rants like this where I just bitch and moan, I must always close with something positive. If I go after my self image I make myself think of three things I love about my body, or whatever I am whining about. So for this title rant, I will select three titles that I carry that I love: 1)Daughter/Sister. 2)Grassroots believer. 3)Explorer.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Summer Bucket List P.1

I decided to use my hour lunch break at work to not only devour my lunch, but to review my summer bucket list thus far. Upon my college graduation, I realized that despite my global travels, and mind blowing experiences, there is much I have not done for myself personally, or local Oregon things I have yet to try. I created a list of 23 random things I wanted to accomplish before the summers end. After one month of being graduated, I have only yet to accomplish seven of them. They are as follows:

1."Buy something totally unique from the Saturday Market". Check. I bought one of those fork rings, where you take the end of a fork (or knife or spoon or whatever) and you twist it into jewelry. Though these have been around for a few years now, and I am sure many own them, this was something unique to my personal style. My accessories are quite bland, and this was a step towards something more bold.

2."Join a gym" & 3."Join Weight Watchers". HEALTH! In the four years in college I let my health go to hell. It wasn't a matter of gaining weight, that is not the issue at hand, I am very comfortable in my own skin. Ive got curves, but I've still got some pizazz. This was more or less my promise to myself that the nights of getting high and devouring pizza's at 2 a.m. wasn't the lifestyle my body needed to put up with anymore. So I decided to join a gym and diet, for the sake or treating my body better so it would put up with me longer. I refuse to get fat and lazy, I like playing too much.

4."Lose yourself in Powell's bookstore." The goal here was to get in check with my inner-geek. I love literature. Love, love, love. Looking back, my high school teachers were well intentioned by forcing me to read Homer, Steinbeck, Kesey, and Orwell, but the fact was, they forced me into reading. Therefore, when handed these great authors, I disregarded them, and cheated off my friends tests. Now, I have grown my collection of literature and am going back and re-discovering these authors, only to find myself in love. Powell's bookstore is my heaven. I literally can get lost in the sea of great literary classics. Powell's has become my safe place...

5."Start journaling." This blog works right? I justified it that way, so...Next.

6. "Buy a print from a local artist." My god, I have already done this one like five times over. My art collection is quickly spilling over into my office. I have an entire house decorated, and I am contemplating having to switch to an art rotation for the bedrooms. Spring, Asian theme, Summer, Warhol inspired...etc. I love art. I wish I didn't have to buy prints from them, I wish I could spend heinous amounts of money their work, but I'm just not there with my life right now. So, for now, I support them through their prints, and dropping their names into conversation.

7. "Stand under a waterfall." This is hard. I have always wanted to stand under a waterfall with my arms proudly in the air so I could absorb the nature and the beauty that is all encompassing. I must say though that this was a hard task. For this instance at the bottom of the waterfall I was met with slippery rocks, and somehow I had to get my feet planted firmly so that I wouldn't get swept away. As I conquered this challenge, I had my boyfriend take my picture, and looking back on it, I don't know if I could even call what I was doing "standing". I was more or less squatting with the weight of the falls on my shoulder, and my arms were kinked at the elbows. But damnit that was enough for me to feel accomplished! Please notice the picture below, and please notice how miserably awkward I look as I fight off the force of the water...

So with a little more of July left I can tell you that I hope to take a ceramics class, write a poem, and plant a vegetable garden in the backyard. Then of course, there will be more to come with August. These may seem like juvenile accomplishments to someone else, but they are the simplest summer things that bring me joy.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


This is my first time adventuring into the world of blogging. I make no guarantees that what I say is in fact relative to something you believe, or have experienced. These are my thoughts just simply typed and assigned into a chronological order.

I give you fair warning that I am no expert in any field; in fact, often what you will see here are my brainstorms and thought patterns as I attempt to weave through the questions of life.

I suppose I could say I am old in the sense that I am college educated and enjoy learning, though I am young in my experiences. With that said.... Good literature is a gift, experiences are worth the risk, and uprooting your life to submerge yourself into a 'foreign' culture is necessary for ones self-enlightenment.