Friday, August 27, 2010

All Things Rosie

Reading back through my old posts, I can't help but smile a little bit. I am not sure if it is a smile of happiness, or a smirk while I sit here and think to myself "Oh honey, you really had those rose-tinted glasses glued to your face." On my previous post, I alluded to the fact that the breakup was coming between my partner and I, and I ended by saying that things wouldn't change overnight. But it has been only two weeks, and everything has changed, the breakup happened, and the repercussions are present. I am now living part time with my parents, and part time with the boys. Oh boy are those commutes hellish.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I justified the things he did. I justified the drug use, and just told myself that eventually he would grow up, but the reality check came when I realized that drugs had become a part of his life and it was permanent. I pushed him, and almost mothered him. I supported him financially and mentally. But I can't do everything for him. I shouldn't need to pay for him to go to therapy, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push him to go to Brazil, the place that he has always dreamed of going to, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push for him to love me, be proud of me,respect me and be grateful of all of the things that I do for us, he needs to do that on his own.

The breakup was easier than planned. We both knew it was coming. We both realized that I grew up mentally before him, and that I am too excited for life, and ready to explore. He simply said that "he just isn't there yet, and he can't just force it, and someday it will come naturally, just as it did for you (me)." And so it was. The tears poured, and the sentiment rained, and the closure came. I am no longer the student who can goof around like he is, I am stuck in the adult world. Right where I should be.

There is no bitterness, there is no shame, and there are absolutely no regrets. He is still my best friend, and I really don't see that changing. I adore him. I just can't be with him anymore. It's time for me to be 22 and single. Its time for me to weave my way through this awkward time in my life, and really evolve as an individual. I can't tell you how exciting it is.

There are two people in my life right now that are really helping me get excited about this transition. One is an old high school friend of mine who I have recently reconnected with. He has made me fall in love with my childhood all over again. We go on ice cream dates, and go on spontaneous trips to OMSI and the ZOO. He has reminded me of the power of laughter, and the beauty of excitement over the craziest things. He possesses an energy that is simply beautiful and uplifting.

The other guy is a new person in my life, who I have known literally less than 10 days. He is powerful, woah damn let me tell you. He is traveling the U.S. in a van with his cousin and is truly living life. He is a societal outcast, I think its what I adore about him the most. He really doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him, he focuses his time and energy into those who truly deserve it, and I guess oddly enough, I have been one of them. The gods were in sync when the introduced us. He has inspired me, both through music, and through words. And the other night I finally cracked and asked him just how he does it:

M: "What is it like being you? You are truly experiencing all that life has to offer."
J: " Doesn't take much to find out. I know you have an adventurous mind. Use it!"
M: "I do. But I cant seem to jump that last hurdle of selling my possessions, quitting my job, and hitting the road."
J: "And you don't have to. But I've learned enough about you to know that you wouldn't regret it. Promise mama."
M: "Some day I'll jump. For sure."
J: "I hope you do."

And I hope that I do too. I have before when I left for Greece, and I can again. These two guys have restored my inner confidence and have gotten me to tap back into that adventurous and bold person that I once was. I am not saying that my boyfriend ever held me back from these day dreams, but he never promoted them the way that these two have. I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know if I will still be friends with these two guys in a week, a year, or in 50 years, but I will always be so thankful for their passion about life. They have helped me take off my rose-tinted relationship glasses, and remember what it was like to see all the colors that this world has to offer.

Friday, August 13, 2010


"In most cases, our so-called limitations are nothing more than our own decision to limit ourselves." ~Daisaku Ikeda

Well that was certainly one hell of a night... Last night I decided to follow through with my commitment to myself to seek some therapeutic guidance. I am not depressed, angry, anxious, or anything that like that, I simply am awkward. I am done with college, living with my boyfriend and best friends, salary full time job, and kinda just struggling with my self identity I suppose.

Because it was my first time ever meeting with her, there was a lot of get to know you type questions. "What is your living arrangement?" "How is your family?" Tell me about your friendship circle." "How is your relationship?" It was very basic...until I hit the relationship question. I told her about everything, no filters, no limits. I explained that we were friends long before we ever dated, and how I loved our adventures and conversation. Though I also explained to her my resentment for his drug use, and his work hours. I explained how much I missed him, and our present relationship has placed him back into my best friend, occasional sex partner. We don't go exploring any more, we cant, we don't have the time. We don't get lost in literature anymore and talk about what we're reading.

In fact, we don't do much of anything together anymore. I often come home from my 9 hour day at work to a high boyfriend who has slept in, tidied the house, played horseshoes in the back yard and napped. I get frustrated coming home to kiss the lips of a man who tastes like weed. And its not even because of the taste. Its because when I taste those lips I am forced to question what mental state hes in. I find myself wondering "If I tell him about my day, will he even process what I'm saying...?" It kills me. It exhausts me. So I asked him last night if he feels dependent or if he could stop. Sure enough, bickering and bitterness ensued. Long story short, it came down to him asking me if I felt that "drugs were holding him back" Uh YES DUH. And not even that, but its holding our relationship back, its holding me back!!

So we talked, er--well I talked, and she listened for well over our 90min session. And I left with two ideas pulling at me.

1. I am leading dual lives right now. Fact of the matter is that during the day, I am a hard working professional who feeds off of creative energy, fund raising, day dreams of global travel, new relationships with friends, my family, and everything humanely possibly positive. But at 6:00 when I roll in the driveway, I just become one of the boys. Come home hit the bong, hit the recliner, and hit the bed. I hate it. But I do it because a)its available 2)its what my living situation consists of and 3)My friends are too zonked out and high to want to do anything else. I recognize this about myself, so I try to start doing more things that are active and positive like go to concerts with old friends, go to the beach with new friends, go work out at the gym, go hiking, etc. Problem with this is, that my boyfriend has no trust. He thinks I'm naive and that my male friends are out to rape and kill me. Thanks honey. The question I need to ask myself is how much longer can I be two different people? But he needs to recognize that I am not going to stop doing the things I love to do, because he can't do them with me. He needs to trust my better judgment and let me pursue what makes me happy.

The question I was left with at the end of the session was, 2.Say that this situation was turned and my best friend was in my position. How would I guide her and support her? What would I say? Oh sweet Jesus I've never thought about this! I would tell her to get the hell out of the situation, because she is stronger, and too driven to have a ball and chain of a pot smoking partner. Okay, so maybe I wouldn't say quite that, I would be more sensitive. Honestly, I don't know what I would do if Amanda was in my situation. I have to think more about this one.

SO! In sum, I drew a lot of conclusions from last night. I believe in my partner, he has a kind heart and has the best intentions, but frankly he doesn't know how to follow through. And I believe he just truly doesn't have the tools to move himself forward. I would like to see him also seek therapy. I am even willing to pay for it, because I know that money is an issue. I do resent how much he smokes, and I believe it does limit our relationship. I also learned that I try to justify a lot of different things that maybe I don't need to justify.

Overall, she rattled my world. And honestly,it was refreshing. I left scared and shaky, but yet confident. Nothing will change overnight, this will be an ongoing process, but things will continue to progress and hopefully I will feel more comfortable with my new life transition towards energy and positivity.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ooh, How Exciting

How does one set their own life goals? I don't necessarily care what peoples life goals are per say, but what do I care about is how they chose the goal, and why.

I came home last night to ask my boyfriend what his goals in life were. They were quite generic. Graduating college, being an R.N. and working towards the betterment of the world. I am not dismissing the fact that these aren't great goals, because the undoubtedly are. But when he listed them, there was no excitement in his voice, no motivation, no energy--granted he was laying down, and all men seem to fade away once horizontal--He told me his list of goals as if he was reading the weekly shopping list. So, me being me, I called him out. I told him to perk up! I needed him to convince me that he woke up every morning to get another day closer to reaching his goals. He tried. He failed. He seemed bored with a conversation that was about something that was all about him, and his view on life, and what made him happy.

Dumbfounded, I got defensive and told him that "this is an opportunity for you to brainstorm, unwind, and dream about all that you can accomplish in your lifetime". He agreed, but still didn't play along. So his punishment was to listen to me go off about my life goals, and why I chose them. It made me analyze why I chose the goals that I did; a task I had never really thought, and especially never talked about. I came to the conclusion that I have lots of goals. They range from short term goals such as losing 5 pounds to long term goals like living, working, and studying in another country. Regardless of the goal in mind, the topic excited me, the conversation made me feel electric. For all I know, my boyfriend could have fallen asleep next to me, and I wouldn't have noticed because I was too busy concentrating on why I was so energized on the goals that I had picked, and not him.

This whole topic of goals came about when my moms friend mentioned that she read her goals to herself daily. She reads them every single morning before she rolls out of her bed to start the pot of coffee, or get in the shower. And what an absolutely great time to remind yourself of all that you wish to accomplish-You have just woken up to a new day, and you can get yourself mentally stimulated and ready for the day ahead. Although I do love her strategy, I can't say that I see myself doing it. So for now, I have printed off my goals, some long term, some short term, and put them in my wallet. My goals are a reminder to myself on those days where I feel bummed, discouraged, or just down right pissed.

I realize now that goals are very personal, and for some, they are secrets. I feel bad for invading my boyfriends mental space. Though honestly, I hope that I might have been able to get him passionate about his own goals, and get him thinking about how brainstorming and goals is actually in fact, fun! Nevertheless, I will end on this note, my short term goal right now is expanding my literary preferences, into something stronger, something unknown. Even if I only grasp one concept, then at least I can say that I grasped one.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Religion Dating

I saw my falling out with the catholic church as a bad breakup. I committed myself to the catholic church, I stood by it because they were seen as the moral choice for me. My whole family was catholic and we were a family that promoted love for others, and acceptance. I may have never been the best catholic, but I tried. I went to mass, repented for my sins, and tried to lead a life helping others and making god proud.

Looking back, I see that I was a fool. My religion turned on me. I was practicing a life of acceptance, and virtue, but my church suddenly became crass, and unaccepting of me. This was long before my sister Caitlin ever went public with her sexuality though. The sermons began to change in demeanor, and suddenly my family was seen as "bad". My parents had divorced, and remarried--and our Father led sermons saying that once you had betrayed your vows to your marriage and god, you had just purchased your ticket to hell. But I consider all 4 of my parents as upstanding citizens, who have taken rescue children in before and opened our homes and hearts to them, who have given their resources and their time and put them into the community, who work with children daily and promote kindness. This began to puzzle me, because I didnt feel that my fmaily should be subjegated to hell, like our Father said.

During the '04 elections, the catholic church began to get a little dicey. Sermons about sexuality, abortion, and lifestyle choices became commonplace. The church turned from a loving, accepting place to worship god and his glory, to a stonch Republican frenzy. I remember sitting in mass and watcing my mother latch and unlatch her watch over and over with discomfort. I suddenly questioned my sisters sexuality and defensively thought about how I could protect her from the catholic community.

There was no conversation about religion, the whole family kept to themselves about the matter and carried on going to mass. Suddenly, my family fell together at the dinner table, and we talked for hours about God, and religion, and mass, and the election. We suddenly, as a team, realized that this wasnt a fit for our family anymore.

My mom tried to go back a few times, but eveutally gave up.

I compare this to a break up in the sense, that we were devoted, and we invested, and accpeted this into our life and our home, only to be betrayed. The unconditional love that was portrayed, was only a mere fallacy. After a breakup, one must take time for themselves, and question thier identity, and decipher if the breakup was their fault. Standing by my beliefs, my politics, and my sister, I vowed to never go back.

I than began to explore other options about a year ago. I started reading....tons. I questioned what I wanted out of religion and what the true definition of what faith and acceptance are. You could say I am dating religions. I came across Thervada Buddhism. I like everything about the religion, except for a few things, but overall I have seem to have found a good fit. Though I have yet to attend a sermon, or a practice. Because like after a bad breakup, you are scared to get hurt again. Maybe someday I will go a Buddhist worship or practice, but for now, I continue to read.

This is the histrory of my religious breakdown, where I was forced to question everything, and remove myself from something that I had been raised upon. Thankfully, my family went through this together, and we remained a team. But I still have a hard time with religion, but eventually you just have to move on and find something that is a better fit.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My little Kabita

My buddy Alex introduced this idea to me, and I promised him I would do my part in helping spread the word of good faith. So this post is dedicated to those of us who have always wanted to help someone in need, make a positive difference in this world and be the change we have all waited for, now is the opportunity.

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one." - Mother Teresa.

Although there are several organizations that sponsor children in need. Children International (the organization that both Alex and I sponsor through) asks for only 22$ a month to sponsor a child. A small price for many people like us, that will make a huge difference in a child's life. The money raised provides food, water, clothes, disaster relief, education, medical care and so much more depending on the child's needs.

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something." - Edward Everett Hale

Please people, sponsor a child and do your part to make a difference. Though we are sponsoring children through, there are other organizations with the same cause, and with the same message.

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Also remember, although we all may not be able to sponsor a child we can always spread the word.

I encourage everybody to take part in making a difference in this world, whatever cause you feel is worth fighting for, go out and put effort, make the difference, by being the difference. Attached is the picture of my little Kabita who I personally sponsor. I also sponsor two boys through an organization with my mom and aunt. I truly believe that our words, and our emotional and financial support make these kids' lives a little easier.