Inspiration is everywhere. I think for a long time there, I didn't see it. I suppose this is the beautiful part of the recovery process-reawakening only to see the beauty in everything around you. Not to sound too much like a person in flower fields, skipping and giggling like the damn Sound of Music--but I have just been getting higher lately.
Jared is still under my roof. Apparently we were not on the same page after he got home from his latest trip. I was under the impression that he would be leaving in January ....Then it became a grace period until February so that he could reapply for food stamps....Now.....We wait. I told him how much having him live here impacts me. My friends refuse to come over anymore, and I miss them daily. I have left town every single weekend for my parents. I work later, and go to bed earlier.
But here is the cool thing: I am back on top.
::Going home every weekend has opened me up to new friendships and new experiences. It has also given me more time to reconnect with old friends. The other day I was able to grab lunch with Ad, who's new energy level and appreciation for opportunity left me eager to meditate and appreciate all I have, despite the shit back on Whitesell Ave. Being home, I have been able to spend more time with my friends from high school and see their children more often. To watch your friends children grow is something one should never miss. It's remarkable.
::I have finally found peace in my job. I no longer wake up feeling like I need to get out as fast as I can. I am looking at staying with Western for a few more years (yes, I said years-weird I know.) and really make a name for myself here. I always felt like I was supposed to be leaving and traveling onto the next thing like many of my friends did out of college, but now I want to stay and really focus on building on the Western culture, as well as build a decent savings account.
::I am reading more. I don't think I realized just how much I missed it. Bouncing between The Four Desires, Wanderlust: A Love Affair with Five Continents, and Lost in the Jungle I am able to daydream, all while strengthening my sense of balance.
::I have my game back. I have gone on dates. It's kind of cool.
I am optimistic. Very optimistic. I can finally recognize the mind games and the guilt trips, and not give in. I no longer get pushed over. On the flip side I know that many of my friends still see the fact that he is living in my home a pretty big case of me being a push over, but what I am more concerned about is my mental health. And for the first time in a long time, I really find myself happy, and excited for other people. I am engaged with others again.
Day in and day out I continue to laugh instead of get angry. I read articles online of other peoples accomplishments and I become so proud of them and their obstacles( like this guy!). I find motivation through others, and I look forward to becoming strong enough again to hopefully motivate some other sad sap.
People are resilient. I am resilient.
The other day I came across this article and it moved me to tears. It might have been because I was exhausted with a glass of wine in my hand in my pj's--but regardless, it spoke to me....and I feel another tattoo coming on.
Long post, short- We rebuild. We recycle our energy. We recycle our love. We ride crocodiles.