I Love, Love.

Love will get you. That's for damn sure. Love is electric.

I am not sure where to take this post. I just need to write. I just need to evolve, love. Even those two words are dangerously associated with one another.

As I was reading a fellow bloggers latest post, he questioned if we are anything but love. He wrote about the yearning for love, and how as beings, we all yearn for love. Society has rocketed forward, and yet human beings have never stopped yearning for love. He finished by saying that "love is the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share. Without love, what are we?"

Immediately, I read that and my automatic response was a typical Melissa answer of : "WE ARE INDEPENDENT DAMMIT!" But my own answer made me blush, showing me that in fact I was on the defense. I currently don't have a partner with whom I get to share my love with, so therefore I use my independence as a veil, a curtain to show all those in love that "I've got this" attitude. But of course I want love. I want to share my love, and I want someone to share their love with me. (I realized after this past non-relationship/relationship that the second part of that equation is huge).


I think about finding a man who is well read and intellectual. Employed as well as passionate about his work. An outdoor enthusiast who I can share with, and learn from. Someone who is direct without being cruel. A man who tolerates my love for sports. A man who will travel with me, and a man to explore new cultures with.



 I have been in love before. I do not believe that you can only love one person. I believe that you can love, and people can grow, sometimes not together though (That is when it kills you) I was thinking back to how many times I have "been in love". In my 24 years, I have truly loved 3 men. Only two of whom I actually said it to. But, while reading the book Wanderlust I came across this paragraph:

This is quite the paradox, is it not? I wouldn't say that I am as negative as the author in the belief that it is not possible to hold onto love, but I did like that love is described as a series of moments. This is how I can explain my belief that love does not always have to last forever. NOW with that said, I do though believe that love can last forever, and that these series of moments can lead a couple closer together and strengthen their love, absolutely. This is what we all strive for, and this is what I have yet to find. But the main point that I am trying to make is that love, is fluid. Love changes as you change. This is why out of the 3 men I have loved, it did not last. We grew up, and did not grow together. This does not mean loved them less, it just meant that our moment passed.

I envy those in love. I have friends who have children, trying for children, and planning for children. I have friends planning weddings, and planning anniversaries. I have friends who are like me, just trying to figure everything out, coincidentally they too for the most part are trying to find love. I would be a liar to say that I am not envious of those in love.

Though the more I really broke this envy down, I realized that this is only one type of love. In fact, I am so on the defense about relationships and not being love, that I am missing out on love itself.

If love is the "the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share", then I do love. Love is beyond a man, or a partner. It is about the electricity you feel. When you share your love with someone, take the time to educate others on your passions, and give them the opportunity to experience something new, something....magnificent.

 
I possess a love for the outdoors. I love the energy of being outside, and getting mud on my shoes and on my hands. This energy is two fold though; outward and inward. I love taking people outdoors with me, I love sharing my excitement for the trails with others, and I love nothing more than when people share their excitement with me. Though I also possess a love for the outdoors that is solely intrinsic as well. The reward when you hit the trails, fill your lungs, and clear your mind. It is the ultimate opportunity to re-center and strengthen. This excitement goes beyond the trails too; it goes with me to the lake, when I get  behind my boat to ski; it goes onto the rocks when I climb ; it goes onto the snow when I ski. This love, goes with me everywhere. This love for the outdoors is an endless supply.


I give love to the non-profits I support, the trails that I walk, and to the friends that I curl up with at the end of the day. Just because I am not giving my love to a partner right now, doesn't mean that I am not giving love. My life would be empty if I didn't distribute my love. I really believe that I couldn't make it in life, and truly be happy if I didn't love outwardly, constantly.

I share love daily with others.  I share articles with friends, mainly of others who I find inspirational and who I think may inspire the person I am sending it to as well. For example, I just sent my friend Lisa this article, and my friend Sara this one. I share advice, and I share stories. I share heartache and I share elation. I share time, and I share resources. I share cups of tea and I share ideas. This is all part of sharing love with another.

What I am able to now see is that even though I don't have a partner, I still have love in my life. A lot of it. I have wonderful friends who I get to welcome into my home, and who welcome me into theirs. I have a network full of laughter, tears, crazy stories, and adventures. It is time to lose the veil of defense that I hide behind, and remember that I am still in love, even if I am not in love with someone. And actually, this has helped me enough to realize that I don't need to have someone in my life romantically in order to feel loved, or feel complete. This is not a desperation hunt, this is a journey and I absolutely look forward to meeting that someone, someday--but in the mean time, cheers.

Happy Monday

 

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke: Letters to a Young Poet

Chin Up, Kid

Inspiration is everywhere. I think for a long time there, I didn't see it. I suppose this is the beautiful part of the recovery process-reawakening only to see the beauty in everything around you. Not to sound too much like a person in flower fields, skipping and giggling like the damn Sound of Music--but I have just been getting higher lately.

Jared is still under my roof. Apparently we were not on the same page after he got home from his latest trip. I was under the impression that he would be leaving in January ....Then it became a grace period until February so that he could reapply for food stamps....Now.....We wait. I told him how much having him live here impacts me. My friends refuse to come over anymore, and I miss them daily. I have left town every single weekend for my parents. I work later, and go to bed earlier.

But here is the cool thing: I am back on top.

::Going home every weekend has opened me up to new friendships and new experiences. It has also given me more time to reconnect with old friends. The other day I was able to grab lunch with Ad, who's new energy level and appreciation for opportunity left me eager to meditate and appreciate all I have, despite the shit back on Whitesell Ave. Being home, I have been able to spend more time with my friends from high school and see their children more often. To watch your friends children grow is something one should never miss. It's remarkable.

::I have finally found peace in my job. I no longer wake up feeling like I need to get out as fast as I can. I am looking at staying with Western for a few more years (yes, I said  years-weird I know.) and really make a name for myself here. I always felt like I was supposed to be leaving and traveling onto the next thing like many of my friends did out of college, but now I want to stay and really focus on building on the Western culture, as well as build a decent savings account.

::I am reading more. I don't think I realized just how much I missed it. Bouncing between The Four Desires,  Wanderlust: A Love Affair with Five Continents, and Lost in the Jungle I am able to daydream, all while strengthening my sense of balance.

::I have my game back. I have gone on dates. It's kind of cool.

I am optimistic. Very optimistic. I can finally recognize the mind games and the guilt trips, and not give in. I no longer get pushed over. On the flip side I know that many of my friends still see the fact that he is living in my home a pretty big case of me being a push over, but what I am more concerned about is my mental health. And for the first time in a long time, I really find myself happy, and excited for other people. I am engaged with others again.

Day in and day out I continue to laugh instead of get angry. I read articles online of other peoples accomplishments and I become so proud of them and their obstacles( like this guy!).  I find motivation through others, and I look forward to becoming strong enough again to hopefully motivate some other sad sap.

People are resilient. I am resilient.

The other day I came across this article and it moved me to tears. It might have been because I was exhausted with a glass of wine in my hand in my pj's--but regardless, it spoke to me....and I feel another tattoo coming on.

Long post, short- We rebuild. We recycle our energy. We recycle our love. We ride crocodiles.

Healing

The healing process never ceases to unveil a person's character. For better or worse. My recovery with Jared has been exhausting. It's damn near taken everything out of me at times. I don't regret falling for Jared. He uncovered parts of my soul that I never knew I had. Scars I carried over from my previous relationship seemed to fade. He taught me that I was not broken, and not damaged goods, despite my beliefs. He made me feel beautiful again. He challenged me. He took the time to care. How could I not have fallen?

I wasn't supposed to fall though. He told me not too. He warned me.

About 6 months ago though, I fessed up, and I told him that I cared a lot for him. The feelings were not returned. Did I really not expect that? We made it work, and even tried it again off and on occasionally. This was not helping the healing process at all though. I was still in the game, almost hoping that he would realize what was right in front of him. A woman who cares, respects, and supports him unconditionally. He never realized it. Still living together, we split into two separate bedrooms about 2 months ago, and stopped sleeping together. I stood by the quote "Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Regardless, I feel into a deep state of depression trying to figure out where I went wrong. I gave it my all. I mean I really gave it my all. Why didn't he want me? Why was I not good enough? His response to my depression was always "I told you not to fall for me". After weeks of sulking, I pulled myself back up. My previous post "Winter" was my announcement to myself that I was back on top. I didn't do everything wrong. This was his loss. At least we were able to save a friendship out of this mess.

Things were going well. I got myself back on track. Even applied for a job in Colorado. My friends rallied with support, peppering me with motivation. I even devoted more time to learning about my Dharma Code---And then I slipped. I got jealous.

I have known for months now, that I didn't have his heart or mind. We were living side by side, and he was mentally with someone else. After his last trip home he came home different. Distant. I could slowly feel the sadness coming back, but I continued to suppress it, desperate to distract myself so I wouldn't have to admit my bigger fear: that not only was I not enough, someone could emotionally give him more than I could.

He leaves again in a week, and his excitement to go meet up with his friends is through the roof. His excitement to be with her is through the roof. I broke. I lost it. The thought of him with her killed me. It stole every last ounce of my happiness. He called me out, and uncomfortably I told him that this was a topic of conversation that I was not comfortable sharing with him, it was just too personal. He pried, because that's what friends do. I was honest and told me that his excitement for her killed me because I would have done anything for him to still have that sense of excitement towards me. I remember his excitement well. It was electric. By pouring out my heart to him and telling him that I was just sad because I see how happy she makes him, I put him in a no win response situation. He couldn't say "Nothing will happen" because it would be an empty lie, but he couldn't say "Yes, I want to be with her", because he would dig the dagger even deeper into my now lonely and scared soul.

It is time for him to go home. Or go somewhere else. I can't live side by side with him anymore. It just hurts.

It hurts so bad.

So that was the talk we had last night. I approached the conversation that we both needed to work together so he could create an exit strategy, and in the mean time, I was going to stay with friends until his flight out next Monday. All of the words and energy that I courageously built up, seemed to warp in mid air. I felt the room get tighter as I felt his soul prepare for war. He turned.

He resorted to anger and defeat. I became the bad guy. The one who would have given everything.--became the bad guy. I want him to leave my home because he is miserable and is depressed because his heart is somewhere else. As always, I want the best for him, so of course, I want him to go. How was this getting turned on me?

 I got accused of kicking him out with no resources. His argument was that he didn't have the money, or the reliable car to get him and Marley somewhere new. But he does. If he doesn't feel that the car is reliable, I would drive him to Colorado, or Kansas City for gods sake--and he knows that. I have done it before. I pitch the idea and he tells me that he no longer needs my help, because "I am no longer there for him."

He quit. He gave up.

His ability to just give up without a fight made me enraged. I don't understand how people won't fight for their own happiness. I questioned him about what he meant when he said that I was no longer there for him, and he told me that our friendship is no longer there, and that when he leaves, there will be no reason to text or keep the friendship going. I was furious. He called moving out to Oregon a mistake and went on about how he had no friends closer than 1,000 miles. Weird--cause I thought there was one two feet from him, but I guess that was no longer good enough. I never gave up on Jared. I still care for him, but he gave up on himself. Attempting to pull him out of his lump-like state, I challenged him, and pushed him, trying every last resort to get him to fight for his own happiness. He told me that there was no happiness, and that "I was trying to find something positive, and some silver-lining out of a shitty situation when there isn't one to be found, and to keep looking would only make me naive."

Naive for caring? Naive for trying to make the best of every day? I'm the bad guy for trying to help him pursue his happiness and fight for the good days? If that's the reason that our "non-relationship, relationship" and friendship died, then I can find peace in that I suppose. I wasn't a good friend because I pushed him to find his energy again and wanted him to be happy....okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

"True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances."- Daisaku Ikeda

Winter

Hello Again, Creativity. I've missed you too.

It got very dark there for awhile didn't it? Ah but the winter is near. 

The brisk air snaps your cheeks awake and warms them with their blushing.

Your eyes seem a bit whiter these days, the red is finally fading.

Your inner-sensuality is back I hear. Good for you.

Inspiration is everywhere again.

Your eagerness to create is expanding, igniting, erupting.

You are beautiful again.

::welcome back::