Healing

The healing process never ceases to unveil a person's character. For better or worse. My recovery with Jared has been exhausting. It's damn near taken everything out of me at times. I don't regret falling for Jared. He uncovered parts of my soul that I never knew I had. Scars I carried over from my previous relationship seemed to fade. He taught me that I was not broken, and not damaged goods, despite my beliefs. He made me feel beautiful again. He challenged me. He took the time to care. How could I not have fallen?

I wasn't supposed to fall though. He told me not too. He warned me.

About 6 months ago though, I fessed up, and I told him that I cared a lot for him. The feelings were not returned. Did I really not expect that? We made it work, and even tried it again off and on occasionally. This was not helping the healing process at all though. I was still in the game, almost hoping that he would realize what was right in front of him. A woman who cares, respects, and supports him unconditionally. He never realized it. Still living together, we split into two separate bedrooms about 2 months ago, and stopped sleeping together. I stood by the quote "Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Regardless, I feel into a deep state of depression trying to figure out where I went wrong. I gave it my all. I mean I really gave it my all. Why didn't he want me? Why was I not good enough? His response to my depression was always "I told you not to fall for me". After weeks of sulking, I pulled myself back up. My previous post "Winter" was my announcement to myself that I was back on top. I didn't do everything wrong. This was his loss. At least we were able to save a friendship out of this mess.

Things were going well. I got myself back on track. Even applied for a job in Colorado. My friends rallied with support, peppering me with motivation. I even devoted more time to learning about my Dharma Code---And then I slipped. I got jealous.

I have known for months now, that I didn't have his heart or mind. We were living side by side, and he was mentally with someone else. After his last trip home he came home different. Distant. I could slowly feel the sadness coming back, but I continued to suppress it, desperate to distract myself so I wouldn't have to admit my bigger fear: that not only was I not enough, someone could emotionally give him more than I could.

He leaves again in a week, and his excitement to go meet up with his friends is through the roof. His excitement to be with her is through the roof. I broke. I lost it. The thought of him with her killed me. It stole every last ounce of my happiness. He called me out, and uncomfortably I told him that this was a topic of conversation that I was not comfortable sharing with him, it was just too personal. He pried, because that's what friends do. I was honest and told me that his excitement for her killed me because I would have done anything for him to still have that sense of excitement towards me. I remember his excitement well. It was electric. By pouring out my heart to him and telling him that I was just sad because I see how happy she makes him, I put him in a no win response situation. He couldn't say "Nothing will happen" because it would be an empty lie, but he couldn't say "Yes, I want to be with her", because he would dig the dagger even deeper into my now lonely and scared soul.

It is time for him to go home. Or go somewhere else. I can't live side by side with him anymore. It just hurts.

It hurts so bad.

So that was the talk we had last night. I approached the conversation that we both needed to work together so he could create an exit strategy, and in the mean time, I was going to stay with friends until his flight out next Monday. All of the words and energy that I courageously built up, seemed to warp in mid air. I felt the room get tighter as I felt his soul prepare for war. He turned.

He resorted to anger and defeat. I became the bad guy. The one who would have given everything.--became the bad guy. I want him to leave my home because he is miserable and is depressed because his heart is somewhere else. As always, I want the best for him, so of course, I want him to go. How was this getting turned on me?

 I got accused of kicking him out with no resources. His argument was that he didn't have the money, or the reliable car to get him and Marley somewhere new. But he does. If he doesn't feel that the car is reliable, I would drive him to Colorado, or Kansas City for gods sake--and he knows that. I have done it before. I pitch the idea and he tells me that he no longer needs my help, because "I am no longer there for him."

He quit. He gave up.

His ability to just give up without a fight made me enraged. I don't understand how people won't fight for their own happiness. I questioned him about what he meant when he said that I was no longer there for him, and he told me that our friendship is no longer there, and that when he leaves, there will be no reason to text or keep the friendship going. I was furious. He called moving out to Oregon a mistake and went on about how he had no friends closer than 1,000 miles. Weird--cause I thought there was one two feet from him, but I guess that was no longer good enough. I never gave up on Jared. I still care for him, but he gave up on himself. Attempting to pull him out of his lump-like state, I challenged him, and pushed him, trying every last resort to get him to fight for his own happiness. He told me that there was no happiness, and that "I was trying to find something positive, and some silver-lining out of a shitty situation when there isn't one to be found, and to keep looking would only make me naive."

Naive for caring? Naive for trying to make the best of every day? I'm the bad guy for trying to help him pursue his happiness and fight for the good days? If that's the reason that our "non-relationship, relationship" and friendship died, then I can find peace in that I suppose. I wasn't a good friend because I pushed him to find his energy again and wanted him to be happy....okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

"True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances."- Daisaku Ikeda