Date a girl who reads

Happy Friday! 

Photo Courtesy of Piccsy

As a "girl who reads" I approve this message:

"...If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She'll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she's sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why you heart hasn't burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you're better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

~From Rosemarie Urquico's "A Girl You Should Date" (read the whole thing here)

All Things Rosie

Reading back through my old posts, I can't help but smile a little bit. I am not sure if it is a smile of happiness, or a smirk while I sit here and think to myself "Oh honey, you really had those rose-tinted glasses glued to your face." On my previous post, I alluded to the fact that the breakup was coming between my partner and I, and I ended by saying that things wouldn't change overnight. But it has been only two weeks, and everything has changed, the breakup happened, and the repercussions are present. I am now living part time with my parents, and part time with the boys. Oh boy are those commutes hellish.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I justified the things he did. I justified the drug use, and just told myself that eventually he would grow up, but the reality check came when I realized that drugs had become a part of his life and it was permanent. I pushed him, and almost mothered him. I supported him financially and mentally. But I can't do everything for him. I shouldn't need to pay for him to go to therapy, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push him to go to Brazil, the place that he has always dreamed of going to, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push for him to love me, be proud of me,respect me and be grateful of all of the things that I do for us, he needs to do that on his own.

The breakup was easier than planned. We both knew it was coming. We both realized that I grew up mentally before him, and that I am too excited for life, and ready to explore. He simply said that "he just isn't there yet, and he can't just force it, and someday it will come naturally, just as it did for you (me)." And so it was. The tears poured, and the sentiment rained, and the closure came. I am no longer the student who can goof around like he is, I am stuck in the adult world. Right where I should be.

There is no bitterness, there is no shame, and there are absolutely no regrets. He is still my best friend, and I really don't see that changing. I adore him. I just can't be with him anymore. It's time for me to be 22 and single. Its time for me to weave my way through this awkward time in my life, and really evolve as an individual. I can't tell you how exciting it is.

There are two people in my life right now that are really helping me get excited about this transition. One is an old high school friend of mine who I have recently reconnected with. He has made me fall in love with my childhood all over again. We go on ice cream dates, and go on spontaneous trips to OMSI and the ZOO. He has reminded me of the power of laughter, and the beauty of excitement over the craziest things. He possesses an energy that is simply beautiful and uplifting.

The other guy is a new person in my life, who I have known literally less than 10 days. He is powerful, woah damn let me tell you. He is traveling the U.S. in a van with his cousin and is truly living life. He is a societal outcast, I think its what I adore about him the most. He really doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him, he focuses his time and energy into those who truly deserve it, and I guess oddly enough, I have been one of them. The gods were in sync when the introduced us. He has inspired me, both through music, and through words. And the other night I finally cracked and asked him just how he does it:

M: "What is it like being you? You are truly experiencing all that life has to offer."
J: " Doesn't take much to find out. I know you have an adventurous mind. Use it!"
M: "I do. But I cant seem to jump that last hurdle of selling my possessions, quitting my job, and hitting the road."
J: "And you don't have to. But I've learned enough about you to know that you wouldn't regret it. Promise mama."
M: "Some day I'll jump. For sure."
J: "I hope you do."

And I hope that I do too. I have before when I left for Greece, and I can again. These two guys have restored my inner confidence and have gotten me to tap back into that adventurous and bold person that I once was. I am not saying that my boyfriend ever held me back from these day dreams, but he never promoted them the way that these two have. I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know if I will still be friends with these two guys in a week, a year, or in 50 years, but I will always be so thankful for their passion about life. They have helped me take off my rose-tinted relationship glasses, and remember what it was like to see all the colors that this world has to offer.

Dual

"In most cases, our so-called limitations are nothing more than our own decision to limit ourselves." ~Daisaku Ikeda

Well that was certainly one hell of a night... Last night I decided to follow through with my commitment to myself to seek some therapeutic guidance. I am not depressed, angry, anxious, or anything that like that, I simply am awkward. I am done with college, living with my boyfriend and best friends, salary full time job, and kinda just struggling with my self identity I suppose.

Because it was my first time ever meeting with her, there was a lot of get to know you type questions. "What is your living arrangement?" "How is your family?" Tell me about your friendship circle." "How is your relationship?" It was very basic...until I hit the relationship question. I told her about everything, no filters, no limits. I explained that we were friends long before we ever dated, and how I loved our adventures and conversation. Though I also explained to her my resentment for his drug use, and his work hours. I explained how much I missed him, and our present relationship has placed him back into my best friend, occasional sex partner. We don't go exploring any more, we cant, we don't have the time. We don't get lost in literature anymore and talk about what we're reading.

In fact, we don't do much of anything together anymore. I often come home from my 9 hour day at work to a high boyfriend who has slept in, tidied the house, played horseshoes in the back yard and napped. I get frustrated coming home to kiss the lips of a man who tastes like weed. And its not even because of the taste. Its because when I taste those lips I am forced to question what mental state hes in. I find myself wondering "If I tell him about my day, will he even process what I'm saying...?" It kills me. It exhausts me. So I asked him last night if he feels dependent or if he could stop. Sure enough, bickering and bitterness ensued. Long story short, it came down to him asking me if I felt that "drugs were holding him back" Uh YES DUH. And not even that, but its holding our relationship back, its holding me back!!

So we talked, er--well I talked, and she listened for well over our 90min session. And I left with two ideas pulling at me.

1. I am leading dual lives right now. Fact of the matter is that during the day, I am a hard working professional who feeds off of creative energy, fund raising, day dreams of global travel, new relationships with friends, my family, and everything humanely possibly positive. But at 6:00 when I roll in the driveway, I just become one of the boys. Come home hit the bong, hit the recliner, and hit the bed. I hate it. But I do it because a)its available 2)its what my living situation consists of and 3)My friends are too zonked out and high to want to do anything else. I recognize this about myself, so I try to start doing more things that are active and positive like go to concerts with old friends, go to the beach with new friends, go work out at the gym, go hiking, etc. Problem with this is, that my boyfriend has no trust. He thinks I'm naive and that my male friends are out to rape and kill me. Thanks honey. The question I need to ask myself is how much longer can I be two different people? But he needs to recognize that I am not going to stop doing the things I love to do, because he can't do them with me. He needs to trust my better judgment and let me pursue what makes me happy.

The question I was left with at the end of the session was, 2.Say that this situation was turned and my best friend was in my position. How would I guide her and support her? What would I say? Oh sweet Jesus I've never thought about this! I would tell her to get the hell out of the situation, because she is stronger, and too driven to have a ball and chain of a pot smoking partner. Okay, so maybe I wouldn't say quite that, I would be more sensitive. Honestly, I don't know what I would do if Amanda was in my situation. I have to think more about this one.

SO! In sum, I drew a lot of conclusions from last night. I believe in my partner, he has a kind heart and has the best intentions, but frankly he doesn't know how to follow through. And I believe he just truly doesn't have the tools to move himself forward. I would like to see him also seek therapy. I am even willing to pay for it, because I know that money is an issue. I do resent how much he smokes, and I believe it does limit our relationship. I also learned that I try to justify a lot of different things that maybe I don't need to justify.

Overall, she rattled my world. And honestly,it was refreshing. I left scared and shaky, but yet confident. Nothing will change overnight, this will be an ongoing process, but things will continue to progress and hopefully I will feel more comfortable with my new life transition towards energy and positivity.