Reading back through my old posts, I can't help but smile a little bit. I am not sure if it is a smile of happiness, or a smirk while I sit here and think to myself "Oh honey, you really had those rose-tinted glasses glued to your face." On my previous post, I alluded to the fact that the breakup was coming between my partner and I, and I ended by saying that things wouldn't change overnight. But it has been only two weeks, and everything has changed, the breakup happened, and the repercussions are present. I am now living part time with my parents, and part time with the boys. Oh boy are those commutes hellish.
I guess I didn't realize just how much I justified the things he did. I justified the drug use, and just told myself that eventually he would grow up, but the reality check came when I realized that drugs had become a part of his life and it was permanent. I pushed him, and almost mothered him. I supported him financially and mentally. But I can't do everything for him. I shouldn't need to pay for him to go to therapy, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push him to go to Brazil, the place that he has always dreamed of going to, if he really wants it, it will happen. I cant push for him to love me, be proud of me,respect me and be grateful of all of the things that I do for us, he needs to do that on his own.
The breakup was easier than planned. We both knew it was coming. We both realized that I grew up mentally before him, and that I am too excited for life, and ready to explore. He simply said that "he just isn't there yet, and he can't just force it, and someday it will come naturally, just as it did for you (me)." And so it was. The tears poured, and the sentiment rained, and the closure came. I am no longer the student who can goof around like he is, I am stuck in the adult world. Right where I should be.
There is no bitterness, there is no shame, and there are absolutely no regrets. He is still my best friend, and I really don't see that changing. I adore him. I just can't be with him anymore. It's time for me to be 22 and single. Its time for me to weave my way through this awkward time in my life, and really evolve as an individual. I can't tell you how exciting it is.
There are two people in my life right now that are really helping me get excited about this transition. One is an old high school friend of mine who I have recently reconnected with. He has made me fall in love with my childhood all over again. We go on ice cream dates, and go on spontaneous trips to OMSI and the ZOO. He has reminded me of the power of laughter, and the beauty of excitement over the craziest things. He possesses an energy that is simply beautiful and uplifting.
The other guy is a new person in my life, who I have known literally less than 10 days. He is powerful, woah damn let me tell you. He is traveling the U.S. in a van with his cousin and is truly living life. He is a societal outcast, I think its what I adore about him the most. He really doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him, he focuses his time and energy into those who truly deserve it, and I guess oddly enough, I have been one of them. The gods were in sync when the introduced us. He has inspired me, both through music, and through words. And the other night I finally cracked and asked him just how he does it:
M: "What is it like being you? You are truly experiencing all that life has to offer."
J: " Doesn't take much to find out. I know you have an adventurous mind. Use it!"
M: "I do. But I cant seem to jump that last hurdle of selling my possessions, quitting my job, and hitting the road."
J: "And you don't have to. But I've learned enough about you to know that you wouldn't regret it. Promise mama."
M: "Some day I'll jump. For sure."
J: "I hope you do."
And I hope that I do too. I have before when I left for Greece, and I can again. These two guys have restored my inner confidence and have gotten me to tap back into that adventurous and bold person that I once was. I am not saying that my boyfriend ever held me back from these day dreams, but he never promoted them the way that these two have. I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know if I will still be friends with these two guys in a week, a year, or in 50 years, but I will always be so thankful for their passion about life. They have helped me take off my rose-tinted relationship glasses, and remember what it was like to see all the colors that this world has to offer.