"In most cases, our so-called limitations are nothing more than our own decision to limit ourselves." ~Daisaku Ikeda
Well that was certainly one hell of a night... Last night I decided to follow through with my commitment to myself to seek some therapeutic guidance. I am not depressed, angry, anxious, or anything that like that, I simply am awkward. I am done with college, living with my boyfriend and best friends, salary full time job, and kinda just struggling with my self identity I suppose.
Because it was my first time ever meeting with her, there was a lot of get to know you type questions. "What is your living arrangement?" "How is your family?" Tell me about your friendship circle." "How is your relationship?" It was very basic...until I hit the relationship question. I told her about everything, no filters, no limits. I explained that we were friends long before we ever dated, and how I loved our adventures and conversation. Though I also explained to her my resentment for his drug use, and his work hours. I explained how much I missed him, and our present relationship has placed him back into my best friend, occasional sex partner. We don't go exploring any more, we cant, we don't have the time. We don't get lost in literature anymore and talk about what we're reading.
In fact, we don't do much of anything together anymore. I often come home from my 9 hour day at work to a high boyfriend who has slept in, tidied the house, played horseshoes in the back yard and napped. I get frustrated coming home to kiss the lips of a man who tastes like weed. And its not even because of the taste. Its because when I taste those lips I am forced to question what mental state hes in. I find myself wondering "If I tell him about my day, will he even process what I'm saying...?" It kills me. It exhausts me. So I asked him last night if he feels dependent or if he could stop. Sure enough, bickering and bitterness ensued. Long story short, it came down to him asking me if I felt that "drugs were holding him back" Uh YES DUH. And not even that, but its holding our relationship back, its holding me back!!
So we talked, er--well I talked, and she listened for well over our 90min session. And I left with two ideas pulling at me.
1. I am leading dual lives right now. Fact of the matter is that during the day, I am a hard working professional who feeds off of creative energy, fund raising, day dreams of global travel, new relationships with friends, my family, and everything humanely possibly positive. But at 6:00 when I roll in the driveway, I just become one of the boys. Come home hit the bong, hit the recliner, and hit the bed. I hate it. But I do it because a)its available 2)its what my living situation consists of and 3)My friends are too zonked out and high to want to do anything else. I recognize this about myself, so I try to start doing more things that are active and positive like go to concerts with old friends, go to the beach with new friends, go work out at the gym, go hiking, etc. Problem with this is, that my boyfriend has no trust. He thinks I'm naive and that my male friends are out to rape and kill me. Thanks honey. The question I need to ask myself is how much longer can I be two different people? But he needs to recognize that I am not going to stop doing the things I love to do, because he can't do them with me. He needs to trust my better judgment and let me pursue what makes me happy.
The question I was left with at the end of the session was, 2.Say that this situation was turned and my best friend was in my position. How would I guide her and support her? What would I say? Oh sweet Jesus I've never thought about this! I would tell her to get the hell out of the situation, because she is stronger, and too driven to have a ball and chain of a pot smoking partner. Okay, so maybe I wouldn't say quite that, I would be more sensitive. Honestly, I don't know what I would do if Amanda was in my situation. I have to think more about this one.
SO! In sum, I drew a lot of conclusions from last night. I believe in my partner, he has a kind heart and has the best intentions, but frankly he doesn't know how to follow through. And I believe he just truly doesn't have the tools to move himself forward. I would like to see him also seek therapy. I am even willing to pay for it, because I know that money is an issue. I do resent how much he smokes, and I believe it does limit our relationship. I also learned that I try to justify a lot of different things that maybe I don't need to justify.
Overall, she rattled my world. And honestly,it was refreshing. I left scared and shaky, but yet confident. Nothing will change overnight, this will be an ongoing process, but things will continue to progress and hopefully I will feel more comfortable with my new life transition towards energy and positivity.