Healing

The healing process never ceases to unveil a person's character. For better or worse. My recovery with Jared has been exhausting. It's damn near taken everything out of me at times. I don't regret falling for Jared. He uncovered parts of my soul that I never knew I had. Scars I carried over from my previous relationship seemed to fade. He taught me that I was not broken, and not damaged goods, despite my beliefs. He made me feel beautiful again. He challenged me. He took the time to care. How could I not have fallen?

I wasn't supposed to fall though. He told me not too. He warned me.

About 6 months ago though, I fessed up, and I told him that I cared a lot for him. The feelings were not returned. Did I really not expect that? We made it work, and even tried it again off and on occasionally. This was not helping the healing process at all though. I was still in the game, almost hoping that he would realize what was right in front of him. A woman who cares, respects, and supports him unconditionally. He never realized it. Still living together, we split into two separate bedrooms about 2 months ago, and stopped sleeping together. I stood by the quote "Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Regardless, I feel into a deep state of depression trying to figure out where I went wrong. I gave it my all. I mean I really gave it my all. Why didn't he want me? Why was I not good enough? His response to my depression was always "I told you not to fall for me". After weeks of sulking, I pulled myself back up. My previous post "Winter" was my announcement to myself that I was back on top. I didn't do everything wrong. This was his loss. At least we were able to save a friendship out of this mess.

Things were going well. I got myself back on track. Even applied for a job in Colorado. My friends rallied with support, peppering me with motivation. I even devoted more time to learning about my Dharma Code---And then I slipped. I got jealous.

I have known for months now, that I didn't have his heart or mind. We were living side by side, and he was mentally with someone else. After his last trip home he came home different. Distant. I could slowly feel the sadness coming back, but I continued to suppress it, desperate to distract myself so I wouldn't have to admit my bigger fear: that not only was I not enough, someone could emotionally give him more than I could.

He leaves again in a week, and his excitement to go meet up with his friends is through the roof. His excitement to be with her is through the roof. I broke. I lost it. The thought of him with her killed me. It stole every last ounce of my happiness. He called me out, and uncomfortably I told him that this was a topic of conversation that I was not comfortable sharing with him, it was just too personal. He pried, because that's what friends do. I was honest and told me that his excitement for her killed me because I would have done anything for him to still have that sense of excitement towards me. I remember his excitement well. It was electric. By pouring out my heart to him and telling him that I was just sad because I see how happy she makes him, I put him in a no win response situation. He couldn't say "Nothing will happen" because it would be an empty lie, but he couldn't say "Yes, I want to be with her", because he would dig the dagger even deeper into my now lonely and scared soul.

It is time for him to go home. Or go somewhere else. I can't live side by side with him anymore. It just hurts.

It hurts so bad.

So that was the talk we had last night. I approached the conversation that we both needed to work together so he could create an exit strategy, and in the mean time, I was going to stay with friends until his flight out next Monday. All of the words and energy that I courageously built up, seemed to warp in mid air. I felt the room get tighter as I felt his soul prepare for war. He turned.

He resorted to anger and defeat. I became the bad guy. The one who would have given everything.--became the bad guy. I want him to leave my home because he is miserable and is depressed because his heart is somewhere else. As always, I want the best for him, so of course, I want him to go. How was this getting turned on me?

 I got accused of kicking him out with no resources. His argument was that he didn't have the money, or the reliable car to get him and Marley somewhere new. But he does. If he doesn't feel that the car is reliable, I would drive him to Colorado, or Kansas City for gods sake--and he knows that. I have done it before. I pitch the idea and he tells me that he no longer needs my help, because "I am no longer there for him."

He quit. He gave up.

His ability to just give up without a fight made me enraged. I don't understand how people won't fight for their own happiness. I questioned him about what he meant when he said that I was no longer there for him, and he told me that our friendship is no longer there, and that when he leaves, there will be no reason to text or keep the friendship going. I was furious. He called moving out to Oregon a mistake and went on about how he had no friends closer than 1,000 miles. Weird--cause I thought there was one two feet from him, but I guess that was no longer good enough. I never gave up on Jared. I still care for him, but he gave up on himself. Attempting to pull him out of his lump-like state, I challenged him, and pushed him, trying every last resort to get him to fight for his own happiness. He told me that there was no happiness, and that "I was trying to find something positive, and some silver-lining out of a shitty situation when there isn't one to be found, and to keep looking would only make me naive."

Naive for caring? Naive for trying to make the best of every day? I'm the bad guy for trying to help him pursue his happiness and fight for the good days? If that's the reason that our "non-relationship, relationship" and friendship died, then I can find peace in that I suppose. I wasn't a good friend because I pushed him to find his energy again and wanted him to be happy....okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

"True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances."- Daisaku Ikeda

Winter

Hello Again, Creativity. I've missed you too.

It got very dark there for awhile didn't it? Ah but the winter is near. 

The brisk air snaps your cheeks awake and warms them with their blushing.

Your eyes seem a bit whiter these days, the red is finally fading.

Your inner-sensuality is back I hear. Good for you.

Inspiration is everywhere again.

Your eagerness to create is expanding, igniting, erupting.

You are beautiful again.

::welcome back::

Self.

 Fuck the status quo.

Own your own happiness.

If you wanna cigarette, smoke one. If you want to dance mid meeting, do it.

Nothing is stopping you from being who you are, and who you are meant to be. 

You are only limited when you start reading into what others want you to be.

 

Skip.

Class.Work.Life.

Everyone deserves a break.

There is no shame on taking a timeout.

 

 Treat yourself. 

If your weakness is a daily tea. Drink every damn drop.

Stop adding up the expense of this guilty pleasure. 

If this is the one thing in the morning you can get down on, then isn't that worth more?

 Sleep in.

Lay in bed reading with your partner. 

You don't need to talk.

Just lie there with them and your book.

It's amazing how your souls will talk to each other.

Stay grounded.

"What is your process of growth?

The physical body obviously develops from childhood, 

but if you reflect on your life you will also see that you have grown in understanding, 

in intelligence, 

in accepting the world around you.

You have grown in the use of your senses.

Your body of knowledge to this point includes all that you have grown into, 

whether or not you have consciously entered a particular spiritual path."

Enjoy your spiritual path.
Enjoy your self.

It's all coming together.

"Never be afraid to pack up and leave. Don't get so set in your ways that you can't find the means or the reasons to get away. The status quo can always be changed."

This past week I hit the road. Oregon to Missouri--Missouri to Oregon. 30 hours each way. Best friend as my co-pilot, the Wiz Kalifa CD playing on repeat, sun roof open, camera out. It was a perfect week.


As we traveled across through the states and cities, I began to ask myself in every town "can I see myself living here?".  There were cities such as Boise, where I was like "yea, I could totally do this", and cities such as Dinosaur, Colorado or Gothenburg, Nebraska where I wanted to scream "Oh hell no." But there was one place this trip that caught me off guard, and I actually felt that not only could I see myself living there, but man--I wanted to live there. Pack up, move out, start over. 

I have discovered Boulder, Colorado.


The atmosphere.
The obscene amount of bikes, and kayaks strapped to the tops of Subarus.
The camping.
The life.
The energy.
The excitement to be active.


So now that I am back here in the "Dirty", I feel anxious, confused, and excited for something new. Our fiscal year just ended and I should be organizing and planning for next year, but I can't seem to motivate myself. My job no longer stimulates me. In fact, it stresses me out. I no longer work for the love of my alma mater, I work for the love of the money. I work to pay off debt. Please don't misunderstand--I love who I work with, and I believe that this institution has a lot of marvelous room for growth, but I think I am simply outgrowing it. As I told my friend Adrienne,  I want to be in an atmosphere and workplace where I can challenge myself and be challenged without feeling like I am day dreaming. Right now, I am having a hard time motivating myself for this new year ahead because I feel like I am constantly brainstorming and day dreaming because I don't feel confident that our best practices are being followed anymore.


I had an "ah-ha" moment while walking around the wonderful city of Boulder:
I love fundraising.
I don't belong in Monmouth anymore
Just because I work for Higher Ed now, doesn't mean I always have to. 
I could be an AGD at a museum, or a theater, or a grassroots org.
It's time I start looking around.
It's time to start again in a new city, or state for that matter.


And, as the gears were turning in my head, I began to get excited again. Excited about work, excited about philanthropy, excited about being excited.


I need to remind myself that there is no shame in leaving. I am leaving because I need more in my life. I need something new. I am not leaving on foul terms, I am leaving in order to grow. This isn't a deal where I one day walk into my job and say I quit. I most likely have another year here, but if another opportunity presents itself, I don't want to turn my shoulder to it, like I have this past year.


Monmouth, you have been very good to me, and I love you, but I think it's time to start seeing other people.

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life"

Inspire Me

Yesterday I escaped. To the Museum.

In 2005, the Portland Art Museum opened the Jubitz Center for Modern and Contemporary Art, and yesterday, I fell in love. Below are some exhibits and paintings that inspired me. All for different reasons, and all on different mediums. Enjoy.

The writing that reads on this piece is quoted from Carlito's Way (A classic 1993 Al Pacino and Sean Penn film) and is as follows:

Sorry, boys, all the stitches in the world can’t sew me together again... 

Lay down. Lay down. 

Gonna stretch me out in Fernandez Funeral Home on 109th street... 

Always knew I’d make a stop there, but a lot later than a whole gang of people thought. 

Last of the Mo-Rican’s. 

Well, maybe not the last. 

Gail’s gonna be a good mom. 

New, improved Carlito Brigante. 

Hope she uses the money to get out. No room in this city for big hearts like hers... 

Sorry, baby, I tried the best I could. 

Honest. 

Can’t come with me on this trip, though... 

Gettin’ the shakes now. Last call for drinks. 

Bar’s closin’ down. Sun’s out. 

Where we goin’ for breakfast? Don’t wanna go far... 

Rough night. 

Tired, baby... Tired...