Self.

 Fuck the status quo.

Own your own happiness.

If you wanna cigarette, smoke one. If you want to dance mid meeting, do it.

Nothing is stopping you from being who you are, and who you are meant to be. 

You are only limited when you start reading into what others want you to be.

 

Skip.

Class.Work.Life.

Everyone deserves a break.

There is no shame on taking a timeout.

 

 Treat yourself. 

If your weakness is a daily tea. Drink every damn drop.

Stop adding up the expense of this guilty pleasure. 

If this is the one thing in the morning you can get down on, then isn't that worth more?

 Sleep in.

Lay in bed reading with your partner. 

You don't need to talk.

Just lie there with them and your book.

It's amazing how your souls will talk to each other.

Stay grounded.

"What is your process of growth?

The physical body obviously develops from childhood, 

but if you reflect on your life you will also see that you have grown in understanding, 

in intelligence, 

in accepting the world around you.

You have grown in the use of your senses.

Your body of knowledge to this point includes all that you have grown into, 

whether or not you have consciously entered a particular spiritual path."

Enjoy your spiritual path.
Enjoy your self.

It's all coming together.

"Never be afraid to pack up and leave. Don't get so set in your ways that you can't find the means or the reasons to get away. The status quo can always be changed."

This past week I hit the road. Oregon to Missouri--Missouri to Oregon. 30 hours each way. Best friend as my co-pilot, the Wiz Kalifa CD playing on repeat, sun roof open, camera out. It was a perfect week.


As we traveled across through the states and cities, I began to ask myself in every town "can I see myself living here?".  There were cities such as Boise, where I was like "yea, I could totally do this", and cities such as Dinosaur, Colorado or Gothenburg, Nebraska where I wanted to scream "Oh hell no." But there was one place this trip that caught me off guard, and I actually felt that not only could I see myself living there, but man--I wanted to live there. Pack up, move out, start over. 

I have discovered Boulder, Colorado.


The atmosphere.
The obscene amount of bikes, and kayaks strapped to the tops of Subarus.
The camping.
The life.
The energy.
The excitement to be active.


So now that I am back here in the "Dirty", I feel anxious, confused, and excited for something new. Our fiscal year just ended and I should be organizing and planning for next year, but I can't seem to motivate myself. My job no longer stimulates me. In fact, it stresses me out. I no longer work for the love of my alma mater, I work for the love of the money. I work to pay off debt. Please don't misunderstand--I love who I work with, and I believe that this institution has a lot of marvelous room for growth, but I think I am simply outgrowing it. As I told my friend Adrienne,  I want to be in an atmosphere and workplace where I can challenge myself and be challenged without feeling like I am day dreaming. Right now, I am having a hard time motivating myself for this new year ahead because I feel like I am constantly brainstorming and day dreaming because I don't feel confident that our best practices are being followed anymore.


I had an "ah-ha" moment while walking around the wonderful city of Boulder:
I love fundraising.
I don't belong in Monmouth anymore
Just because I work for Higher Ed now, doesn't mean I always have to. 
I could be an AGD at a museum, or a theater, or a grassroots org.
It's time I start looking around.
It's time to start again in a new city, or state for that matter.


And, as the gears were turning in my head, I began to get excited again. Excited about work, excited about philanthropy, excited about being excited.


I need to remind myself that there is no shame in leaving. I am leaving because I need more in my life. I need something new. I am not leaving on foul terms, I am leaving in order to grow. This isn't a deal where I one day walk into my job and say I quit. I most likely have another year here, but if another opportunity presents itself, I don't want to turn my shoulder to it, like I have this past year.


Monmouth, you have been very good to me, and I love you, but I think it's time to start seeing other people.

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life"

Inspire Me

Yesterday I escaped. To the Museum.

In 2005, the Portland Art Museum opened the Jubitz Center for Modern and Contemporary Art, and yesterday, I fell in love. Below are some exhibits and paintings that inspired me. All for different reasons, and all on different mediums. Enjoy.

The writing that reads on this piece is quoted from Carlito's Way (A classic 1993 Al Pacino and Sean Penn film) and is as follows:

Sorry, boys, all the stitches in the world can’t sew me together again... 

Lay down. Lay down. 

Gonna stretch me out in Fernandez Funeral Home on 109th street... 

Always knew I’d make a stop there, but a lot later than a whole gang of people thought. 

Last of the Mo-Rican’s. 

Well, maybe not the last. 

Gail’s gonna be a good mom. 

New, improved Carlito Brigante. 

Hope she uses the money to get out. No room in this city for big hearts like hers... 

Sorry, baby, I tried the best I could. 

Honest. 

Can’t come with me on this trip, though... 

Gettin’ the shakes now. Last call for drinks. 

Bar’s closin’ down. Sun’s out. 

Where we goin’ for breakfast? Don’t wanna go far... 

Rough night. 

Tired, baby... Tired...

Gone

I can't get enough of this group. Cheers, Portland.

"Gone"

The Head and The Heart

Passion

What is your passion? What do you live for? What are your goals?

These past few days I have been really struggling. I asked my friend what his goals were and he locked up and ended the conversation all together. I couldn't understand what the hell I had done wrong. To me the question "what are your goals?" is both exciting and beautiful. It is a question that I am always eager to answer. Unable to wrap my head around his reaction, I figured that I had just caught him off guard, so me being me, with little or no boundaries, I readdressed the same question the next day. Even more mad and irritated by the question, he ended the conversation once again.

His reaction turned me off. It made me sad for him. It also made me question whether or not I was able to share my goals and dreams with him. The idea of not being able to talk and day dream in any kind of relationship, whether it be with a stranger on the streets, a close friend, a partner, or a parent, makes my anxiety skyrocket.

His hesitation to the question made my stomach churn simply because it is the very same question that I base my actions and spirit off of. I had to address the situation one final time. I had to know if I now suddenly  needed to guard myself and use my "filter" with him (a task that seemed daunting because never had I once used my filter with him). I then learned that his goals were something very personal to him, and he told me that he was uncomfortable sharing them with me because 'we were not at that "level" of sharing yet'. (this thought was completely beyond me.) He finished in turn by telling me that he never wants me to feel the need to filter my dreams and goals to him, because there will never be any judgment on his account. I will admit right now though, that I don't know if I will ever be able to be completely unfiltered again to him, because I now know that he is holding back.

A little panicked, and a little pissed off, I apologized. It dawned on me as I sat there on my own couch with him (with a look on my face that I am sure only conveyed confusion and repulsion) that he was the first person who had never answered my favorite question.

He taught me something about myself today. Despite the fact that he is an incredible friend who I still plan on spending time with, I learned that for my mental and energetic health, I need to invest my time in people who are excited to share their stories, and their hopes, and their goals. I need to feel their energy and in turn feel them feed off of my energy. If the energy is one sided, a true friendship cannot be established.

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.