These past few days I have been really struggling. I asked my friend what his goals were and he locked up and ended the conversation all together. I couldn't understand what the hell I had done wrong. To me the question "what are your goals?" is both exciting and beautiful. It is a question that I am always eager to answer. Unable to wrap my head around his reaction, I figured that I had just caught him off guard, so me being me, with little or no boundaries, I readdressed the same question the next day. Even more mad and irritated by the question, he ended the conversation once again.
His reaction turned me off. It made me sad for him. It also made me question whether or not I was able to share my goals and dreams with him. The idea of not being able to talk and day dream in any kind of relationship, whether it be with a stranger on the streets, a close friend, a partner, or a parent, makes my anxiety skyrocket.
His hesitation to the question made my stomach churn simply because it is the very same question that I base my actions and spirit off of. I had to address the situation one final time. I had to know if I now suddenly needed to guard myself and use my "filter" with him (a task that seemed daunting because never had I once used my filter with him). I then learned that his goals were something very personal to him, and he told me that he was uncomfortable sharing them with me because 'we were not at that "level" of sharing yet'. (this thought was completely beyond me.) He finished in turn by telling me that he never wants me to feel the need to filter my dreams and goals to him, because there will never be any judgment on his account. I will admit right now though, that I don't know if I will ever be able to be completely unfiltered again to him, because I now know that he is holding back.
A little panicked, and a little pissed off, I apologized. It dawned on me as I sat there on my own couch with him (with a look on my face that I am sure only conveyed confusion and repulsion) that he was the first person who had never answered my favorite question.
He taught me something about myself today. Despite the fact that he is an incredible friend who I still plan on spending time with, I learned that for my mental and energetic health, I need to invest my time in people who are excited to share their stories, and their hopes, and their goals. I need to feel their energy and in turn feel them feed off of my energy. If the energy is one sided, a true friendship cannot be established.
Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.