Inspire Me

Yesterday I escaped. To the Museum.

In 2005, the Portland Art Museum opened the Jubitz Center for Modern and Contemporary Art, and yesterday, I fell in love. Below are some exhibits and paintings that inspired me. All for different reasons, and all on different mediums. Enjoy.

The writing that reads on this piece is quoted from Carlito's Way (A classic 1993 Al Pacino and Sean Penn film) and is as follows:

Sorry, boys, all the stitches in the world can’t sew me together again... 

Lay down. Lay down. 

Gonna stretch me out in Fernandez Funeral Home on 109th street... 

Always knew I’d make a stop there, but a lot later than a whole gang of people thought. 

Last of the Mo-Rican’s. 

Well, maybe not the last. 

Gail’s gonna be a good mom. 

New, improved Carlito Brigante. 

Hope she uses the money to get out. No room in this city for big hearts like hers... 

Sorry, baby, I tried the best I could. 

Honest. 

Can’t come with me on this trip, though... 

Gettin’ the shakes now. Last call for drinks. 

Bar’s closin’ down. Sun’s out. 

Where we goin’ for breakfast? Don’t wanna go far... 

Rough night. 

Tired, baby... Tired...

Gone

I can't get enough of this group. Cheers, Portland.

"Gone"

The Head and The Heart

Passion

What is your passion? What do you live for? What are your goals?

These past few days I have been really struggling. I asked my friend what his goals were and he locked up and ended the conversation all together. I couldn't understand what the hell I had done wrong. To me the question "what are your goals?" is both exciting and beautiful. It is a question that I am always eager to answer. Unable to wrap my head around his reaction, I figured that I had just caught him off guard, so me being me, with little or no boundaries, I readdressed the same question the next day. Even more mad and irritated by the question, he ended the conversation once again.

His reaction turned me off. It made me sad for him. It also made me question whether or not I was able to share my goals and dreams with him. The idea of not being able to talk and day dream in any kind of relationship, whether it be with a stranger on the streets, a close friend, a partner, or a parent, makes my anxiety skyrocket.

His hesitation to the question made my stomach churn simply because it is the very same question that I base my actions and spirit off of. I had to address the situation one final time. I had to know if I now suddenly  needed to guard myself and use my "filter" with him (a task that seemed daunting because never had I once used my filter with him). I then learned that his goals were something very personal to him, and he told me that he was uncomfortable sharing them with me because 'we were not at that "level" of sharing yet'. (this thought was completely beyond me.) He finished in turn by telling me that he never wants me to feel the need to filter my dreams and goals to him, because there will never be any judgment on his account. I will admit right now though, that I don't know if I will ever be able to be completely unfiltered again to him, because I now know that he is holding back.

A little panicked, and a little pissed off, I apologized. It dawned on me as I sat there on my own couch with him (with a look on my face that I am sure only conveyed confusion and repulsion) that he was the first person who had never answered my favorite question.

He taught me something about myself today. Despite the fact that he is an incredible friend who I still plan on spending time with, I learned that for my mental and energetic health, I need to invest my time in people who are excited to share their stories, and their hopes, and their goals. I need to feel their energy and in turn feel them feed off of my energy. If the energy is one sided, a true friendship cannot be established.

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Drive

Start over.

Begin Again.

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled and torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."

Day dream.

Imagine.

Create.

This weekend I bought a car. I bought a car knowing that someday I would be living out of it. I bought a car to escape. I bought a new car that is as unstoppable as me.

Not everyone understands why I want to do this so badly. Then again, not everyone respects my lifestyle. Now when I say lifestyle, you have to understand that I am talking about living my life through energy, and adventure. Though I wish I could break away from the office job, I understand that my salary pays my way for adventure. I am very fortunate in that regard. 

But I want more.

I want the highway.

I want the red rock of Utah. 

I want the simplicity of Montana.

I want the brew of the mid-west.

I want the love of New Jersey.

I want to sleep under the stars.

I want to speed my way though the back country.

I want to enjoy the simplicity of living on the road. 

I am not going to feed my soul by sitting behind this very desk.

I will feed my soul through coffee gatherings. surrounding myself with people with like minded ideals. brainstorms. day-dreams. energy. culture. giving. creating. going.

Do It To It

This weekend while climbing I learned the beauty of "hand jamming". Hand jamming is when you use your hand to gain purchase in a crack by twisting, squeezing or spreading the palm, pulling your thumb down, making a fist, stacking both hands, etc. in order to continue your vertical ascent. It's essentially shoving your hand in a crack and rolling your thumb, in turn creating a grip to hold your entire body weight. Your security lies in the strength of your thumbs and palms.

As one of the tests of this weekend, I had to hand jam my way up a crack the width of three of my fingers. The task seemed daunting, and damn near impossible.

Yea, follow the arrows. 

I treat every climb as a puzzle, or a problem, eager to be solved. Maybe that's the "fixer" in me. I can't walk away without solving the problem. And for this climb, I had to get up to the top, no doubt about it. I just had to mentally figure out which way I was going to tackle it. So I geared up and began.

While going though the easy stretch as you see above, I was not only getting my morale up, but was also getting my mind spinning, preparing for the challenge ahead. The balance of this game was familiar and comfortable.

Before I knew it, the challenge was in full force. It was paralyzing. My body ached, and my hands bled as I jammed my hands into place, rolling my thumbs and praying that they could hold all 140 lbs of me, meanwhile smearing my toes against the face of the rock creating a shelf of support. Literally inching my body through the crux.

Though persistence and the cheers from my friends, I was able to turn my adrenaline onto overdrive and drop all thoughts and just go balls-to-the-wall. In fact, I think I even turned around and said "Shit just got real." to my friends below. And I was off. I was fully invested, and there was no going back. The puzzle, the game, it had to be carried out. Sure enough, with enough "elvis legs", laughing, and grunting, I got myself to a small shelf that I could grab onto, allowing me to power through towards the top.

And sure enough. I made it to the top where I was washed over with the greatest feeling of accomplishment. Rarely do I ever sit back and say "damn, I am proud of myself". But as I sat there, trying to catch my breath, looking over Smith Rock State Park, that was EXACTLY what I was saying to myself.

I couldn't help but chuckle at lifes metaphor while I was sitting up there catching my breath. Daily, we all invest in our puzzles. We work our way though the mazes and figure out how we are going to get though what seems impossible.We invest everything we have and are left relying on trust. Blind trust. With enough support, drive, and excitement we can find the beauty in the game and own it.

Own it.
Do it to it.
Rock it.

Make lifes puzzle your bitch and always remember to smile.
You would be amazed at what you can overcome.