I Love, Love.

Love will get you. That's for damn sure. Love is electric.

I am not sure where to take this post. I just need to write. I just need to evolve, love. Even those two words are dangerously associated with one another.

As I was reading a fellow bloggers latest post, he questioned if we are anything but love. He wrote about the yearning for love, and how as beings, we all yearn for love. Society has rocketed forward, and yet human beings have never stopped yearning for love. He finished by saying that "love is the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share. Without love, what are we?"

Immediately, I read that and my automatic response was a typical Melissa answer of : "WE ARE INDEPENDENT DAMMIT!" But my own answer made me blush, showing me that in fact I was on the defense. I currently don't have a partner with whom I get to share my love with, so therefore I use my independence as a veil, a curtain to show all those in love that "I've got this" attitude. But of course I want love. I want to share my love, and I want someone to share their love with me. (I realized after this past non-relationship/relationship that the second part of that equation is huge).


I think about finding a man who is well read and intellectual. Employed as well as passionate about his work. An outdoor enthusiast who I can share with, and learn from. Someone who is direct without being cruel. A man who tolerates my love for sports. A man who will travel with me, and a man to explore new cultures with.



 I have been in love before. I do not believe that you can only love one person. I believe that you can love, and people can grow, sometimes not together though (That is when it kills you) I was thinking back to how many times I have "been in love". In my 24 years, I have truly loved 3 men. Only two of whom I actually said it to. But, while reading the book Wanderlust I came across this paragraph:

This is quite the paradox, is it not? I wouldn't say that I am as negative as the author in the belief that it is not possible to hold onto love, but I did like that love is described as a series of moments. This is how I can explain my belief that love does not always have to last forever. NOW with that said, I do though believe that love can last forever, and that these series of moments can lead a couple closer together and strengthen their love, absolutely. This is what we all strive for, and this is what I have yet to find. But the main point that I am trying to make is that love, is fluid. Love changes as you change. This is why out of the 3 men I have loved, it did not last. We grew up, and did not grow together. This does not mean loved them less, it just meant that our moment passed.

I envy those in love. I have friends who have children, trying for children, and planning for children. I have friends planning weddings, and planning anniversaries. I have friends who are like me, just trying to figure everything out, coincidentally they too for the most part are trying to find love. I would be a liar to say that I am not envious of those in love.

Though the more I really broke this envy down, I realized that this is only one type of love. In fact, I am so on the defense about relationships and not being love, that I am missing out on love itself.

If love is the "the greatest thing we possess, the greatest we can give, and the greatest thing to share", then I do love. Love is beyond a man, or a partner. It is about the electricity you feel. When you share your love with someone, take the time to educate others on your passions, and give them the opportunity to experience something new, something....magnificent.

 
I possess a love for the outdoors. I love the energy of being outside, and getting mud on my shoes and on my hands. This energy is two fold though; outward and inward. I love taking people outdoors with me, I love sharing my excitement for the trails with others, and I love nothing more than when people share their excitement with me. Though I also possess a love for the outdoors that is solely intrinsic as well. The reward when you hit the trails, fill your lungs, and clear your mind. It is the ultimate opportunity to re-center and strengthen. This excitement goes beyond the trails too; it goes with me to the lake, when I get  behind my boat to ski; it goes onto the rocks when I climb ; it goes onto the snow when I ski. This love, goes with me everywhere. This love for the outdoors is an endless supply.


I give love to the non-profits I support, the trails that I walk, and to the friends that I curl up with at the end of the day. Just because I am not giving my love to a partner right now, doesn't mean that I am not giving love. My life would be empty if I didn't distribute my love. I really believe that I couldn't make it in life, and truly be happy if I didn't love outwardly, constantly.

I share love daily with others.  I share articles with friends, mainly of others who I find inspirational and who I think may inspire the person I am sending it to as well. For example, I just sent my friend Lisa this article, and my friend Sara this one. I share advice, and I share stories. I share heartache and I share elation. I share time, and I share resources. I share cups of tea and I share ideas. This is all part of sharing love with another.

What I am able to now see is that even though I don't have a partner, I still have love in my life. A lot of it. I have wonderful friends who I get to welcome into my home, and who welcome me into theirs. I have a network full of laughter, tears, crazy stories, and adventures. It is time to lose the veil of defense that I hide behind, and remember that I am still in love, even if I am not in love with someone. And actually, this has helped me enough to realize that I don't need to have someone in my life romantically in order to feel loved, or feel complete. This is not a desperation hunt, this is a journey and I absolutely look forward to meeting that someone, someday--but in the mean time, cheers.

Outta My Head

I am back.
I am inspired.
I am am eager and exited to take on my work week ahead.
I am feeling bold.

I have been a working machine lately. I owe my sanity to my coworkers, and my friends for letting me post up in their homes so I didn't have to commute, providing me with never ending candy jars at the office, going out to sushi lunch dates, and simply just letting me vent and go on rants as needed. I have worked straight through the last two and a half weeks with only taking one furlough "day off" for the Oregon home game against UCLA last Thursday. So with the help of my coworkers, I decided that this past Friday I would take that much needed day off, giving myself a three day weekend to play.

Friday was a day of errands, Saturday became a day of recovery and football, and Sunday, today, I dedicated to myself.

I started my day slow this morning while laying in bed texting and reading stats from the last nights Oregon game against USC, finally rolling out of bed around 10-ish. The morning was already off to a good start. I jumped out of bed with a level of confidence and energy that had laid dormant inside me for months. There was only one place for me to go with that energy--the Blue Room of Powells on Burnside. There is something so rejuvenating about not only literature, but books themselves. It is something in the way that you can run your fingers over the printed words and have a story unfold in your mind. And how you can hold the book in your hands, cradling its binding, creating a bond while you are mentally promising the book that you will take care of it, if it in turn promises to take care of your imagination.

Upon my arrival to Portland I parked my car especially far away from Powells forcing myself to absorb Portland in the fall. As I walked along the blocks I found myself in awe of the crisp yellow leaves barely hanging onto their respective trees, eager to join their friends below whom had already shed from the tree creating a beautiful mosaic of Autumn on the sidewalk below. Though the sky was blue, the puddles from the prior nights rain created a gloss over the cold, dark one-way roads of the city. It felt right. Everything felt right.

I shopped at Powells for well over an hour, and with 10 books in hand, decided it was time to leave before I did too much more damage; But I felt it in my gut--I wasn't ready to leave the city. "Onward to the museum!" [I must tell you, that my Portland Art Museum membership was one of the greatest investments....ever] There were things I noticed about the museum today, that I paid extra special attention to that I haven't taken the time to appreciate before. Never had I noticed the tri-color infusion of brick on the building; and how well it meshed with the granite/marble stone that laid the steps as well as trimmed the doors and windows of the museum. Never had I appreciated the large stone benches, deep charcoal in color, placed outside in the courtyard until my friend called right before I walked to the membership desk to check in, forcing me to step outside and sit on one while finishing up the conversation.

How had I never noticed these things before? Why did the Lee Kelly exhibit speak to me the way that it did today when this was my second time seeing the exhibit? The way the bronze sculptures formed such fluid, circular patterns, and were balanced-poised-and engraved. I know that I broke every single law of museum-hood by taking the picture seen below-But I couldn't walk away without one. My justification of course was "Well, if I can take a picture of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre without a flash, I can take a picture of a bronze sculpture without a flash."



I feel like post graduation, I have shed all ideas about who I was supposed to be as a girlfriend, and as a daughter, and really just allowed myself to breathe, and take joy in the simplest things that make me sit back and smile and say "damn, this is incredible".

I've allowed myself to relax.
Travel.
Read....
...a lot.
Laugh.
Trust.
Get lost.
Share.

"Good rare feelings come at the oddest times"

I am ready.

Timshel

"The Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not...But I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed - because 'Thou mayest."

Sure enough, it is 130 am and I cant sleep. I have tried it all, I watched a movie, listened to music, and finally picked up a book. Thanks to todays conversation with Jared and our text quote messages from EOE, I decided to thumb through my copy and skim the pages. Though my copy is riddled with pencil marks and bobby pins, only one page in the book has its corner perfectly creased. I opened to the page and looking back at me was the quote:

"It’s a hard thing to leave any deeply routine life, even if you hate it."

And damnit, I cried.

I am a loyal person. If I make a promise, I try my hardest to come through with it. I have made a promise to my job. I have made a promise to the students that I will work my ass off to raise them scholarship money so that they can continue in their education and have one less thing to worry about. There really wasn't much say for employees when the job descriptions were re-written- we were essentially told that we would fill into these positions, and we signed our names next to the X's. I have learned something about myself throughout this process. I learned that I have the ability not to regret; but resent. I resent the 'promotion'. But here is what I do know--I wont quit. No chance in hell.

When talking to Jared on the phone it is easy for us to day dream and plan our next big adventure. I can't say how much of it is true on his end, I don't know if he would ever grab my hand and launch into some unknown travel adventure. But ladies and gentlemen-trust me when I say that I would do it. I just cant do it right now.

As we do on most nights, Jared and I got onto the topic of adventures (shocking. I know) He outright said "Quit your job and lets run the fuck away" My reply? "How far can we go?" Baja,Mexico: The Sea of Cortez was the place for us. All I asked him was to "give me till June." His reply to this stung like hell. He said "I don't believe you. Not even a little."

I interpreted that as him feeling like I was all talk, and that I wouldn't ever do something like that. I am doing all that I can right now, and maybe that's me flying to CO for the weekend, but its the best I can do right now without breaking a promise to my job. Last week when I sent him the blog link for my list of places I wanted to go to. His reply was spot on. "I love it. Now you have to decide what you're going to do with it. You could "wait until the time is right". You could avoid it out of fear, be it based on money, transportation, supplies, and what-have-you. You could choose to sit and let it fester, coming back to it from time to time with false hopes and inspirations. These are what most people would do. But you're not most people. You're not even some of the people. You're one person; Melissa Fucking Carlin. Let your actions follow your aspirations."

Funny thing is--I am not scared. Not at all. I fact I am wickedly confident. Most people don't have the balls to walk out of a job, or walk away from their comfort zone, but that gut adrenaline gets me high. But when it all comes down to it at the end of the day, I would feel like a coward if I broke my promise to my responsibilities.

γιατί όχι is the tattoo that I wear on my wrist. It means "why not". It was my first tatt and I got it the day before I left Athens, as a reminder to myself to go with my gut, and to roll with the adventures, just as I had done my whole time in Europe. To be honest with you--I feel like I am not living up to my tattoo any more.

I cant tell if I love or hate the fact that a person like Jared has become a part of my life. I cant tell if I love or hate the fact that I laugh at every stupid text, and sit humbled in awe when we swap quotes from literary icons. What I can tell you though is that my gut loves it. My mind is stimulated once again, my "filter" for my thoughts has a chance to relax, and my spirit is awake. I feel energized and excited. With that said, this is not entirely thanks to him, a lot of it stems from living at home again, and having an incredible support network. I think a part of me is scared by that he has rattled me, and opened my eyes. I have never met someone so god damn accepting of every single one of my flaws.

I am dying to get to Colorado for the weekend. I am dying to take a break from the harsh reality of a 9-5. And good lord I hope that someday I really can pack my shit and hit the road. I say wholeheartedly that there is nothing else I would rather do. I feel like this post has turned a little teenage angst-y, so I will take this moment to point out the fact that I recognize that I am not all talk, and that I too wish I wasn't locked into a job, but it is where I am at in my life right now; And frankly I think it is where I am supposed to be right now. I will have my adventure someday, and I will start crossing off my list of places and adventures--But for the moment, I will find peace in the fact that I am blessed to have a job, blessed to have a family who supports me in all my wild ideas, and friends who inspire me. Maybe I'm not out exploring right this instant, but man, really-how could I ever complain?